Welcome back, friends. I apologize for the delay in sharing my tales of woe and embarrassment, but rest assured there are many more to come. This evening, instead of regaling you with a specific dating incident, I have decided to reflect on some separate incidents that have led me to some interesting Lessons Learned regarding male techniques of manipulation. Here they are, in no particular order.
Manipulation Number One: The Baby Tactic
"Oh, look at this picture of me and my adorable baby cousin! Look how happy we are!" This could also be referred to as the Evolutionary Tactic. This tactic was used against me by 33 (more on him later, but he received his name based on his age... I admittedly wasn't at my most creative...). Through a series of photo text messages, 33 introduced me to his heart-meltingly cute cousin, a toddler with a name that would make any soap opera writer green with envy. 33 was babysitting and, after only one coffee date, felt the need to share this remarkable achievement. The strategy at work here is a relatively transparent attempt at playing to my evolutionary instinct to increase my reproductive fitness, coupled with the gendered assumption that any woman will coo and awww at a cute baby (and, yes, I do include myself in that "any woman" category). The simple act of showing me a picture of an adorable baby, combined with his ability to supposedly care for said baby, is Darwinism at its best. Did it work? I believe my response was something along these lines: "Oh my gosh, look at how cute this kid - wait a second. I am sooooo being played right now. He wants me to know he's good with childr - this kid really is freaking cute. Look at that smile! And those chee - DAMNIT. Well played, 33. Well played."
Manipulation Number Two: The Chef Tactic
"You've had a long day of training, you should let me cook for you. I can grill!" This one is a little more deceptive (and effective, for that matter), if only because I have minimal skill in the kitchen and more often than not wind up calling my Papa, Murphy, on nights I try to cook. Though it has been used on me multiple times, I think its most laughable delivery was brought to us by The Cowboy (again, more on him later, but let's leave it at he was a legitimate cowboy... Also not my most creative, I know). After one date for drinks, I accepted The Cowboy's invitation to join him for dinner following a day-long boxing instructor training which left me unable to blow my nose, reach the dishes in my cupboard, or frankly take deep breaths. So you can't completely fault me for enjoying the notion of not having to prepare my own dinner... And you also can't completely fault me for being disappointed by his poor attempt at using the Chef Tactic when he overcooked a chicken breast and sliced a loaf of bread. 33:1, Cowboy: 0. Additionally, a note for gentlemen who employ the Chef Tactic: aside from ensuring you actually cook well, I encourage you to leave the stories of how the deer head mounted on your wall was shot, stuffed, and mounted all on your own until after dessert. (Can't make this stuff up, folks.)
Manipulation Number Three: The Gazelle Tactic
"Hmmm, let's see... Lesbians, goths, angry clique - Ooo! Single girl in the corner smiling at everyone - Ding ding ding!!!" This tactic was most recently used on me by a new character in the dating chronicle. We'll call him The Feminist. I am currently taking an amazing course on contemporary feminist theories and practices, which I look forward to each week. As excited as I am for this course, I must admit I feel slightly out of place, given all my classmates seem to have pre-established niches that do not include me. Thus, The Feminist easily targeted me as his prey when he implemented the Gazelle Tactic in the third week of class. There I sat, textbook open, pages dog-eared and two pens at the ready, while my classmates filed in and promptly entered into their routines of departmental politicking and inside jokes. It was the perfect setting for the use of this tactic - like a limp gazelle, I was vulnerable and the perfect target for his "game" (hunting pun intended for you non-Eastern Washingtonians). And after what turned out to be a highly contentious three hours of debates and eye-rolling, I was even more vulnerable and am slightly embarrassed to admit that I accepted his offer to go for a drink. So I think we can rank the effectiveness in favor of The Feminist, with 33 a close second and The Cowboy coming in a distant third.
These are only three tactics I have experienced of many I am sure are to come. In fact, Belt Buckle (of the Technically post) suggested many from his own bag of tricks for inclusion in this. For the purposes of this post and the hour at which I'm writing, I'll save those for later (but here's a big surprise, ladies: when he agrees to watch four episodes of Grey's Anatomy with you on HIS birthday, it's not always because he wants to...).
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